Sex and the Sclero-girl
Hi.
If you are reading this, I am going to assume you are an adult or at least semi-adult. I also assume you are aware that many humans, enjoy sex. This blog is going to discuss that topic, so if you are a pearl-clutcher, feel free to be offended else where. Go on, scoot! I promise next time I'll post an innocuous recipe or something.
Ok, are those with tender sensibilities gone? GOOD.
Sex is great y'all. Really, really great. Wars have been fought, books have been written and songs have been sung about it. It's a fantastic cure for insomnia, headaches, cramps, even sinus issues. *this is not meant as a substitute for medical advice* But in the same way Scleroderma changes our skin, our joints, our organs, our day to day life, our budgets, it changes our sex lives too.
Now, don't worry, I'm not about to write out a description of my own sexcapades worthy of a letter to Penthouse. I am still indeed and despite occasional evidence to the contrary, a lady. I will say, however, that things are not as they used to be. Sex becomes a whole different experience when your body is at war with itself.
What I will share is my own experience, opinions and advice on the topic of physical intimacy as a person who lives every day with Scleroderma. Buckle up babe, it's about to get sexy up in here.
Sometimes this reservation is needed to prevent injury. But not always.
Some days you can carry all your stuff from the car to the house in one go, and some days you can perfectly acheive the first 2 chapters of the illustrated Kama Sutra in one heady afternoon. The key is to NEVER trap yourself in the cage of the fragile flower. Don't tolerate anyone else trapping you there either. You are not broken, you are not less than, you are not made of fine porcelain. Listen to your body, trust your own strength.
This is tricky. In the course of my work with the chronically ill and/or aging population, I have seen what appeared to be powerhouse marriages crumble to nothingness under the stress of illness. My own mileage has certainly varied. A lot of people only say "In sickness and in health" but don't have the strength to really mean it. It sucks, and it shouldn't be that way, but alas.
When you spend everyday with someone who is fighting Scleroderma, or any illness for that matter, you are going to see us at our lowest. Those lows are certainly not very fetching. Unless that's what you're into, I don't judge, seeing your playmate curled up and sobbing through a bad flare, isn't going to fill you with desire. I get that. It doesn't mean we don't want to be intimate anymore! Perhaps not during a really bad day, or after an exhausting battery of tests, but we still want and deserve the intimacy we enjoyed before Scleroderma.
If this becomes an issue with a committed partner/group of partners I strongly recommend getting help from a counselor. Try to get to root of the issue. For your sake and theirs.
Now if this is an issue with a more casual partner, MOVE ON. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you should never, ever, abide being made to feel less than because you have a chronic illness.
I hear you. I am picking up what you are throwing down. But guess what. Sex is a wonderful cornucopia of possibilities. Sure, maybe the days of the "side-saddled circus ballerina" have gone, but there are still plenty of ways to get to Poundtown.
I am not going to write a list of my favorite distractions here.
First of all, I think my Dad reads this blog. (Sorry, Dad)
But also, as stated before, I am a lady. My sacred garden has it's own nuances, but those are only to be shared with a select audience. What I will do, is tell you that the internet is a thing. Do your homework! And then once you have armed yourself with information, get you a partner or partners and get down to some science! Try things. Maybe things you wouldn't have thought of before. The only way you will know what works for you is by trying.
It does not have to diminish your life though! Be creative, be curious, be patient with yourself and live the way you want to live. Inside and outside of the bedroom.
If you are reading this, I am going to assume you are an adult or at least semi-adult. I also assume you are aware that many humans, enjoy sex. This blog is going to discuss that topic, so if you are a pearl-clutcher, feel free to be offended else where. Go on, scoot! I promise next time I'll post an innocuous recipe or something.
Ok, are those with tender sensibilities gone? GOOD.
Sex is great y'all. Really, really great. Wars have been fought, books have been written and songs have been sung about it. It's a fantastic cure for insomnia, headaches, cramps, even sinus issues. *this is not meant as a substitute for medical advice* But in the same way Scleroderma changes our skin, our joints, our organs, our day to day life, our budgets, it changes our sex lives too.
Now, don't worry, I'm not about to write out a description of my own sexcapades worthy of a letter to Penthouse. I am still indeed and despite occasional evidence to the contrary, a lady. I will say, however, that things are not as they used to be. Sex becomes a whole different experience when your body is at war with itself.
What I will share is my own experience, opinions and advice on the topic of physical intimacy as a person who lives every day with Scleroderma. Buckle up babe, it's about to get sexy up in here.
The Curse of the Fragile Flower
When things become painful that used to be simple, there is an inclination to treat ourselves or our loved ones as if we have become a fragile object. Once you start to suffer from pain, acid reflux, mobility issues, ect. there are a thousand things people will think you shouldn't do anymore. This can range from simple things like carrying the groceries into the house after shopping or long hikes in the woods, all the way to the "flying octopus of smoldering seduction": aka that one sex move you've been trying to perfect.Sometimes this reservation is needed to prevent injury. But not always.
Some days you can carry all your stuff from the car to the house in one go, and some days you can perfectly acheive the first 2 chapters of the illustrated Kama Sutra in one heady afternoon. The key is to NEVER trap yourself in the cage of the fragile flower. Don't tolerate anyone else trapping you there either. You are not broken, you are not less than, you are not made of fine porcelain. Listen to your body, trust your own strength.
It Takes Two (or More) to Tango
But what about our partners? What if they don't find us sexual anymore?This is tricky. In the course of my work with the chronically ill and/or aging population, I have seen what appeared to be powerhouse marriages crumble to nothingness under the stress of illness. My own mileage has certainly varied. A lot of people only say "In sickness and in health" but don't have the strength to really mean it. It sucks, and it shouldn't be that way, but alas.
When you spend everyday with someone who is fighting Scleroderma, or any illness for that matter, you are going to see us at our lowest. Those lows are certainly not very fetching. Unless that's what you're into, I don't judge, seeing your playmate curled up and sobbing through a bad flare, isn't going to fill you with desire. I get that. It doesn't mean we don't want to be intimate anymore! Perhaps not during a really bad day, or after an exhausting battery of tests, but we still want and deserve the intimacy we enjoyed before Scleroderma.
If this becomes an issue with a committed partner/group of partners I strongly recommend getting help from a counselor. Try to get to root of the issue. For your sake and theirs.
Now if this is an issue with a more casual partner, MOVE ON. There are plenty of fish in the sea and you should never, ever, abide being made to feel less than because you have a chronic illness.
Sex Ed 101
But, Erica, how? How do we get down? My knees/back/elbows/hands don't work the way they used to!I hear you. I am picking up what you are throwing down. But guess what. Sex is a wonderful cornucopia of possibilities. Sure, maybe the days of the "side-saddled circus ballerina" have gone, but there are still plenty of ways to get to Poundtown.
I am not going to write a list of my favorite distractions here.
First of all, I think my Dad reads this blog. (Sorry, Dad)
But also, as stated before, I am a lady. My sacred garden has it's own nuances, but those are only to be shared with a select audience. What I will do, is tell you that the internet is a thing. Do your homework! And then once you have armed yourself with information, get you a partner or partners and get down to some science! Try things. Maybe things you wouldn't have thought of before. The only way you will know what works for you is by trying.
All Alone in the World
What about those of us that neither have nor want a partner but still have the desire for adult playtime? Don't let Scleroderma (or ANYTHING) stop you! Self love is a very important aspect of human health and sexuality. If you can't go about it the way you used to, again, I state that the internet does exist and you can purchase any number of helpful health aides to allow you to take care of your alone time as you see fit.Ask Your Doctor If Sexy Time Is Right For You
Obviously, I am not a doctor. I don't even play one on TV. But you do know real doctors. It may be difficult to bring up the topic, but I can assure you, 100% there isn't anything you can ask them that they are going to be offended by. If you CAN offend your doctor by asking about sex, get another doctor. Your medical professional and you are a team, you need to be able to count on them to answer your questions. If your doctor says you are healthy enough for sex, be safe and then get out there!Go Get Your Groove Back, Stella!
Having Scleroderma changes your world. It changes how you see yourself, and how others see you. It changes your abilities, your priorities and your plans.It does not have to diminish your life though! Be creative, be curious, be patient with yourself and live the way you want to live. Inside and outside of the bedroom.
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